Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dancing With The Stars: It's My Jam! Elimination Night

Last night on DWTS: there was dancing and judging. Tonight there's fifty minutes of filler and commercials and someone loses their chance at the Mirror Ball Trophy. It's capitalized because it's THAT important.

We start off with a super short pro dance. I love Sharna. That is all. Tonight we do something different with the encore dance. We get a choice between TWO - Lea and Artem or Janel and Val. VOTE AMERICA! VOTE VOTE VOTE.

Meanwhile, let's recap our first three couples. Randy and Karina. I guess they didn't do as well as they expected.  Next are Betsey and Tony. There was a wardrobe malfunction, it just happened before the live dance. Tony saved the day and was super excited with their performance. Lea and Artem just nailed their dance.

I like Erin's hair up like that! Lea and Artem are safe, Randy and Karina are safe, Betsey and Tony are safe! Tony is super excited. Betsey totally thought they were in jeopardy.

Next, Nico and Vinz sing their hit. Julianne will perform with the pros. In the promo video clip someone drops her and you hear her head thunk on the floor. Ouch! That's not going to increase your scores, pal.


Cheryl and Artem bring us back. Seriously, Cheryl is really thin this season. Nico and Vinz perform and Peta, Karina, and Val perform. I wonder how long the dancers spend rehearsing their choreo each week? I think it's ironic that Peta and Karina are dancing with Val for this number since they both used to date Maks. Is it weird for them, I wonder?

Now we get the A to Z of DWTS. That was cute, but I'm not recapping it.

Erin is talking to Michael, Jonathan, and Tommy. Micheal says he came to Hollywood to figure out who he is. Erin asks him if he's figured it out and he says that he can drive in the HOV lane because he has so many people in his head. Oh-kay. Onto Tommy. Erin says he has salsa experience and asks him to show a move or two. He rips open his shirt. HAHAHAHA! Erin quips 'is it cold in here like it was last night?' She peeks in his shirt and continues with 'it is, it's a little chilly'. Maybe Tommy can commandeer a pastie from Karina's outfit last night. Tommy responds with "Wanna touch my boob?" Erin nervously giggles and moves onto Jonathan. Tommy is smirking. You go, Tommy! We saw a sexier side to Jonathan last night who says one day he hopes to be as sexy as Tommy. Heh. I like Jonathan!

Now we recap their dances. Oh HO! Tommy wasn't supposed to rip his shirt open. Jonathan has a problem keeping his shoes tied. Michael is trying so hard. I love that Emma told him to just be who he is.

Tommy and Peta are safe. Michael and Emma are in jeopardy. Jonathan and Allison are safe!

Next we find our our encore dance. Well, after this commercial break.

Back to the show. Janel and Val get the encore dance. I think they are better tonight than last night.

Bethany gets her ankle wrapped before the performance and afterwards Derek tells her how nervous he was. He's also giving her a piggy back ride down the hall and she says she's glad he didn't tell her that because she probably would have fallen off. Cut to Janel and someone asks her if she's nervous. Nope. Last week she was but not this week. Val says his cheeks are too fat for the mask. Psssh. Stop talking to your brother, Val. You're fine. Afterwards Val tells her that the hard work pays off. Janel knows, she knows. Then we see Mark checking his teeth in the mirror. Umm, okay. Mark! Dental. Floss. Methinks this reality show just came down with a serious case of the 'scripted's. Sadie tells him she's nervous because everyone is so good. She sure didn't show it out there on the floor. Also, I hope Mark washed his hands after picking his teeth before touching her. I bet her dad has a strict no bodily fluids policy, no matter the bodily fluid. Sadie is really disappointed in their scores and they throw the word 'duck' in as much as possible. Betcha by the end of this show, he'll be calling her Duckie instead of Dude. Then Mark says Len doesn't know country or jazz. Whaaaa?!?!?!! Buuurrrrrrnnnnn.

Janel and Val are safe! Bethany and Derek are safe! Sadie and Mark are in jeopardy. That surprises me. Tom adds, 'But on the plus side, his teeth look incredible.' I love Tom.

More commercials.

Sia sings Chandelier. Alison and Maddie from Dance Mom's perform. Sia wants us to focus on the dancing so she won't face the audience. Le sigh. Smells like a publicity stunt. Or like a Sia absence.

That dance number is phenomenal.

Erin is with Lea, Betsey, and Sadie. Where is Artem? No one knows! Lea is glad to not be in jeopardy.  Betsey says she went from a punker to a prima donna. Betsey was so excited last night, she's speechless trying to talk about it tonight. Since she's out of quote-ables, onto Sadie who says she understands that this is a competition and a game and that last night was rough.

Len is going to be absent next week and Kevin Hart will be the guest judge. I wondered how that would work with adding Julianne as a judge this year.  Next week it's movie night and we preview coming attractions. Clever, DWTS.  Betsey and Tony do Spirit Fingers which is a take on Ghost. Alfonso and Witney do Stocky, a take off of Rocky.  Lea and Artem do Back to the Cha Cha.

Now we get to decide on the Pro audition tape to view. VOTE VOTE VOTE America!!!!!!!


We get to see the audition tape of Mark Ballas. Awww, cute!!!!

Now it's time for Julianne to perform. Because we don't see any of that at the judges table. ::eye roll:: But seriously, the girl can dance. And, there go half her clothes.

Alfonso and Witney. He's telling Lea that he lost connection and stumbled once and she rolls her eyes. ::snort:: Cut to Alfonso and Witney talking after they dance and he's trying to convince himself he's honestly happy. I don't believe him. Then we see Cheryl and Antonio speaking in Spanish. And by speaking in Spanish, I mean saying the words 'momento' and 'rumba'. They are genuinely happy with their 8's. Take note, Alfonso. 8 is good! Tavis and Sharna. Sharna tells him they will have to work harder next week and then you see Tavis standing by himself obviously unhappy with the scores. Then we see him tell someone they got all 7's and with the short amount of time they practiced that 7's were okay. The only thing is that if the viewers think your real life is more important than your DWTS commitment, you may very well be gone. Last season Charlie and Meryl were doing Stars on Ice while DWTS was filming and you knew it, but it never seemed to cut in to their rehearsal time for the show....

Alfonso and Witney are safe! Tavis and Sharna are jeopardy, Antonio and Cheryl are safe!


Now for the final results. Sadie and Mark are safe. Michael and Emma are safe so Tavis and Sharna are eliminated.

Tune in next week for Movie night!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Dancing with the Stars Recap - It's My Jam!

Previously on DWTS: pros and stars danced, a boa got stuck, Carlton kicked Bel Air ass, Lolo got a serious case of stage fright, Julianne showed off her....assets and made passes at people, but Lolo and Keo went home.

Opening number! It's a big ballroom affair. Len is dancing! I bet he is a hoot away from the judges table. Carrie Ann is dancing-ish, Bruno was Born this Way and works it on a staircase, and Julianne gets spun around. I like this new opening sequence style!

First up: Randy and Karina! We revisit last week for filler purposes, then we find out they are doing the Cha Cha. I think Karina had her lips plumped up. She has a Jessica Simpson vibe happening below her nose and above her chin.  Randy's jam is I Can't Get No Satisfaction. It's military themed. Honestly? The rehearsals looked a bit better than the actual dance. Maybe it's because they went first or maybe nerves because of the live audience?!? It wasn't bad, it just wasn't great. Karina's outfit looks like someone played pin the pastie on the the pin-up. Len says his footwork wasn't too great but that his heart gave it everything. Julianne says he has fighting shoulders and it was really fun and a great way to start the night. Bruno says we have a new hip action hero. The energy and enthusiasm are in the right places, just tidy and sharpen everything up. Carrie Ann says she was a little underwhelmed. I agree, Carrie Ann, but the audience apparently does not.

Up to Erin: Randy and Karina get a lot of support from the DWTS cast. She thought the dance was fantastic. Would she tell them if she thought it sucked? Football players were asking her about Randy over the weekend.  Randy chose a military inspired theme because he was in the Army for 6 years. He dedicates the dance to present and former military. Aww, that was nice! Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len 7, Julianne 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28.


Next: Janel and Val. Last week Janel was disappointed in their scores. This week, Val brings the hammer down. Janel says his teaching mood is 'kinda grumpy'. This week they look more like friends than lovers. Hmm. I wonder if they were told to tone it down, or if maybe the honeymoon is just over. Or maybe it's the Joey Tribbiani theory that the attraction is palpable until they sleep together and then it goes away. Either way, Janel should be glad she doesn't have Maks as a partner, I bet that would be a much bigger hammer with a lot more force.  Janel's jam is "Call Me Maybe". LOL. They are doing the foxtrot. Julianne says it wasn't a traditional foxtrot, but she loved it. We know it's true because she sang the loved it part. But, Janel needs to stick her feet. Bruno calls her hot to trot and says with a few exceptions, it was almost perfect. Carrie Ann is complementary and says it was close to perfect. There's a lot of facial expressions from Janel during the judging. That is one expressive face! Len says Janel can really dance.

Tom reminds us there is a DWTS live chat happening RIGHT NOW!

Up to Erin: All the instruction paid off! Janel says she likes the tough love as Erin chucks her in the chin, but Erin didn't mean to. I never could see it. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 34. Janel is happy, so happy. There are lots of facial expressions and hamming it up for the camera.

Moving on: more people dance! Commercials.

Next: Lea and Artem. Lea is having trouble with having been in jeopardy. This week they are doing the jive. Lea is adorable. Insecure, but adorable. Lea's jam is Land of 1,000 Dances. She was worried about doing the jive, but it looked great! She makes it look easy and it totally is not easy! Her posture could be a little better, she slouches or something. Bruno says she was incandescent like Ann Margaret. He did notice that she missed a tiny pass. Carrie Ann says the ladies are killing it tonight. Um, it's the 3rd dance. She is starting to get get all Bruno on us. And then she falls off her chair. We don't see it, we just see the empty chair. She's okay. Len says Carrie Ann kicked him in the lower portion. Tom, "Isn't it great it get feeling back there again?" Heh! Everyone reacts hugely! Because this is LIVE TV! Len loved the jive and so did Julianne, who got chills more than once. She also says that Lea held her own.

Up to Erin.  Artem became a U.S. Citizen. Congratulations, Artem! Erin rapid fires questions at Artem. He looks like a deer in headlights. Then again, the citizenship test isn't rapid fire and high pressure like that. Nor does it ask your favorite state. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Julianne 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

Next week is movie night, in case you are interested.

Next: Michael and Emma. Michael must have watched last week's show or read the reviews or something. This week he's super charming and funny and doesn't obsess about Bill Envall. Good job, there, Mikey! Michael's jam is Girls In Bikinis. Emma isn't thrilled about the prospect of wearing a bikini, so she ends up putting one on over her clothes. And then she says she's rocking the Betsey and does a cartwheel into a split.  HA! Not to be outdone, Michael also puts on a bikini top. He is not, for the record, wearing a shirt. Okay then.


And we're back! Emma and Michael are doing the samba. Emma is wearing a bikini, albeit a very modest, you-can-dance-in-it bikini. I'm not sure where the samba is to be honest. It's a lot of hip shaking and some samba steps. Up in the balcony, everyone is politely applauding. Carrie Ann says she saw a 'wonderfully agile hip rolling pool boy, but not much samba.' Len says he put the sin in syncopation. It was wild and wacky but he liked it. Julianne says he mastered the hip roll but it's the 'in betweens' that need some work. Bruno says Michael is the envy of America because he's surrounded by Bond girls and throws around the dirtiest sounding names. Blah, blah, blah. Not much feedback about his actual performance.

Up to Erin. She mentions the hip rolls and Michael says, "I was just so happy, Erin. I couldn't contain myself. I forgot to do some of my steps properly because of the enjoyment I was having being with (and then he sings) girls in bikinis."  The audience loves this. On to scores. Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, Julianne 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 24. They were hoping for a 7, but they are going to keep working.

Travis and Sharna are up next. They are doing the Cha Cha this week but Tavis is doing press for his book, which is cutting into his rehearsal time. It looks like they are rehearsing everywhere whenever they get a minute. Tavis is getting stressed out about remembering the steps and says he's going to have a meltdown.  His jam is Boogie Wonderland. Woohoo for disco! Sharna spends a lot of time dancing kind of in front of him, I wonder if that's a strategy.

Len says his tough week showed. It needed to be polished, more Cha Cha content and more detail. Julianne agrees with Len about the details. She felt like it was his jam and that he performed it really well. Bruno demonstrates disco because of course he does, and then he says Tavis has the disco fever moves but the Cha Cha was too stompy. Carrie Ann disagrees and thinks he got the steps.

Off to break and when we come back, we get scores and Alfonso and Whitney. Alfonso is dancing to Will Smith because of course he is. Well, if DWTS can't get Will Smith in person they'll use his music, dammit!


We're back - Scores! Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Julianne 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Tavis says they'll take it.

This week the pressure is ON for Alfonso and Witney. Alfonso says their job is to work as hard as they can and then try to top it.  Witney's face does not show agreement with that. It's going to be super difficult to replicate because last week was the first night and the judges weren't really sure what to expect. This week, they know what he's capable of and are going to expect more. That's a lot of pressure on both of them. Honestly, I think we are going to find Alfonso is a bit of a high-pressure perfectionist and will take it personally if he doesn't meet his own expectations. So this show will either be a great experience for him or a horrible one. And, at practice, he's already in his own head. They are doing the samba and are both getting frustrated. Witney impresses me. She handles the situation beautifully and says she is just worried about letting him down. Girl, you are fine. Alfonso is right. He needs to learn how to deal.

Time to Get Jiggy Wit It. I could watch them dance for hours. They are so good! I'm not sure how much samba it had, but it was a great, great routine.  The audience loved it too. Julianne says he's great and makes everything looks wonderful because has the Alfonso groove. She wants to see the Latin and ballroom groove. Bruno says his personal style, charisma and feel for the music is unique. But he agrees with Julianne that the performance was astonishing but lacked the samba bounce. Carrie Ann says he lost connection a little in the  middle and that it was a solid performance, but not his best. Len says he was popping like buttons on a tight shirt and that the last two dances were right up his alley, Next week they will do the Viennese Waltz and Len wishes he was going to be there to see it.

Up to Erin: So Alfonso IS a perfectionist. Alfonso, like a true pleaser, is going to listen and try to follow the advice.  Scores: Carrie Ann, 8, Len 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Not bad, Alfonso! They seem okay with the scores.

When we come back - Bethany and Derek dancing to All About that Bass. I love that song...have you seen the Jimmy Fallon/Megan Trainor version? It's better than the original.

Commercials. Time to fund all that spray tanning.

We're back. Tom informs us that Lea and Artem are leading with 35, at the bottom are Micheal and Emma with 24.

Bethany and Derek are talking about their performance last week. Taylor Swift tweeted their performance and it trended. Awwww! In rehearsal, Bethany says that she's been having problems with her ankle since last week. Derek is concerned. Bethany says it's getting worse. Derek says she smiles it off.  Bethany now says it's getting a lot worse. Will it affect their performance? They are doing the foxtrot. Derek is a choreography genius. They use a bass in the dance and I'm guessing he revamped it a bit to take some of the pressure off Bethany's ankle - well after she freakin' balances on it. HOLY COW! His visual style just kicks ass. Period. Sadie in the balcony looks concerned. Bruno says it was a Bob Fosse foxtrot and that she did it very well. Carrie Ann says she's doing a great job at telling the story with dance. Len says its a great number! Julianne says Bethany is her jam and that it was awesome.

Up to Erin: She wants to know what's better - having Len, the social media shunner, say put that in her blog it or having Taylor Swift tweet it? Bethany says it's all surreal. Erin asks about her ankle, and Bethany says that when she's out there it's nothing and afterwards it's painful Then they show the bass balancing again. Since no one told her it was dangerous, she didn't think anything about it. Go girl! Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 33.

Coming up are Antonio and Cheryl doing the rumba, and Betsey and Tony. Betsey looks amazing this week. Very old school glamorous.


And we're back. Oh, Betsey and Tony are up first. We revisit boa-gate.  Betsey is going to have a make over. She's always wanted to be like Ginger Rogers. She is worried about messing the dance up. Betsey and Tony are doing the foxtrot this week. Betsey's jam is Girls Just Want To Have Fun. When I watch her dance, I totally forget her actual age. The dance is elegant and well done.  Tony is thrilled! Carrie Ann bows down to her and  says "All hail Queen Betsey!" and loves that her talent was shown rather than her fun personality. Len says last week was a night to forget and tonight was a night to remember. Julianne says it was a make under and that it was beautiful and timeless. Bruno says she's the glamour queen of the night and Mr. DeMille was delighted. Okay, but how was the dancing?!?!?

Erin asks her how she feels. Betsey says she feels completely remade by Tony. She says that she's never felt pretty and that Tony wanted her to feel pretty. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Julianne 7, and Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Betsey says 7 is her favorite number.


Now it's Cheryl and Antonio time. Cheryl is afraid of bees as I am and does the don't sting me dance. They are frustrated in rehearsals and go outside to have a conversation about it, only they are wearing mikes and it's taped. Weird! Now we get to see the dance. Antonio can actually move really well, and that rumba is hot. I have no idea what the song was, though. A Google search informs me it was Adorn. Len says not to over analyze and to just come and enjoy it. He says there's no secret to this show, you just have to come out and better every week. Julianne says this dance is a lot better than last week and she's impressed. Bruno agrees and likes his lines. He tells Antonio that he has a nice butt and to use it even more. Carrie Ann says it was subtle and that was the right approach. She tells him to watch the arm that's not in hold.

Scores after the break. Next up are Sadie and Mark. Via video chat, Duck Dad that has a problem with a costume cut down to the crack of her ass in back. I don't blame you, Duck Dad.


We are interrupted for a special report to tell us we have started airstrikes on Isis.

Back to the show..just in time for scores. Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Apparently Antonio can't remember the dance?!!!? I'd know for sure, but instead I know we are making airstrikes on Isis, which is important to know but not relevant to the show.

Tommy and Peta. They open with a Cheech and Chong skit. Heehee. Also, Tommy is forgetful. I wonder what could have caused that? They are dancing salsa to Higher. Peta says they need to focus on technique and can't rely on just his personality...Bill Engvall would disagree. Tommy has some serious rhythm and he makes the dance look like fun. Julianne says it was fun, fast, funny...effing fabulous. Bruno says he can party like it's 1969 and that age is a state of mind. Carrie Ann says he's the big kahuna because was the first to bare his chest. She also says that he danced smooth and right in the pocket of the salsa. Len says was overdosed on fun. Well done.

Up to Erin for scores. They get a standing ovation on the way. Erin mentions the open shirt and says that Betesy says she felt pretty tonight so how does he feel? Chong: cold. HAHA! She asks him how young he feels. He says...oh, about 72. ::snicker:: Peta feels like he brought the house down and that he's amazing. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Julianne 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 28. Erin asks what they have in store for next week and Tommy deadpans, "Please vote for us because if you do we'll save the world." And there you go!

The final two dances are coming up. Jonathan and Allison and Sadie and Mark. I'm already tired of the chicken/duck wing move.


We're back! The pros are Getting Jiggy With It too!

Jonathan and Allison are talking about last week in a nail salon, I think. Bet they are getting pedicures from all the abuse their feet go through. I know I would. Jonathan says that three weeks ago he didn't even know Allison and now he feels like she's his best friend. Slight pause and she says, 'totally'. That sounded sincere. Cut to the studio and they are doing the Cha Cha. Jonathan is excited about the Cha Cha. Allison says that Jonathan's sexiness comes across as funny, and cuckoo, and uplifting and she just needs to hone him back down. However, the next scene is Allison saying, "Make love to me!" as they do body rolls and she yells out, "uunnnnnhhhhh...boom!" and then "oh. OOOHH". Must have been quite the...body roll. Jonathan says he has to bring out his sexy side and then gets all goofy. One more awkward scene between Jonathan and Allison with sexual innueno-ish and then we get to see them dance. Finally! Thank you! His jam is Sing. And they kiss. Wow. Peta and James saved that for the finale last season. The moves are sharp and Allison has incredible legs. Bruno starts talking and Tom says he gets creepier as the show goes on. Bruno says they were rushing some of the steps and then he gets cut off by Carrie Ann who says there wasn't enough Cha Cha in it. Len says it was jerky and contained very little content. Allison looks upset. I would be too. Julianne says she agrees with not enough content but they have potential for growth.

Oh. The balcony is called the sky box. Good to know. High fives for everyone. Erin says something about flim-flam and Jonathan says it's a dessert. Allison defends her choreography and says she wants to bring something unique to the show. Jonathan points out they are both new to the show and therefore flying somewhat blind. I recommend watching past seasons because content has always been a big thing with the judges. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30.


Finally we get to Sadie and Mark.  He was impressed with her performance. He says she was cute last week and this week she needs to be swag. Then we see her dad give his input on her costume for this week. He doesn't like anything and then she comes out in her robe and he's all "Mark! This is perfect!" I don't think he thought that through because while it does cover more skin, let her twirl around a bit in that and we'll see way more of her than we would in a skimpy costume.  They are doing a jazz routine to She's Country. She's wearing very short cut-off shorts and a tied up sleeveless shirt that reminds me of a picnic tablecloth. Well, that's a sexy little routine. But seriously...can we stop with the chicken dance? It's not a wedding reception and she's got mad talent. She has to have had some dance experience. As they walk to the judges table, Tom says, "Daddy's little girl is growing up fast." Carrie Ann asks if her dad was okay with that routine. I second that concern. She thinks Sadie killed it. Len says jazz and country don't quite gel for him. Julianne says she's a natural performer and the thing that was so special about her from last week were her leg action and her technique and that she missed that this week. Bruno was supposed to be skipped but is having none of that tonight. He keeps it simple and says that it was great.

Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. I'm super distracted by Sadie's mouth movements. Maybe she's wearing Invisalign or has something on her teeth to make them white or make it easier for her to smile.  Mark and Sadie seem disappointed in their scores.

Review time. We are given info so we can vote. Lea and Artem are still at the top of the leader board and Micheal and Emma are still at the bottom. We'll see you tomorrow for elimination.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dancing With The Stars Recap 9/16 - The Results

Last night on Dancing With the Stars: Stars and pros danced. Other people watched. Tonight, we crush the mirror ball dreams of one couple. In my head, I'm doing the Boys In The Hall skit of head crushing, only with a mirror ball..I crush your mirror ball! Crush! Crush!

Opening number. All girls, no stars on this one. This has to be a Beyonce song. Work it Sharna and Witney! Seriously - these pro and troop dancers are amazing.

I wonder if the stars think it's gross to be in the same dancing costume two days in a row. Surely they clean them in between, right?

Hi Tom and Erin! Erin is wearing a killer cut out red dress. Even though I find her interviews annoying, you have to hand it to her that she is a beautiful lady. I feel slightly guilty for listening to the gossip about her that she's a real diva and difficult to work with. It can't be easy to have paved the way to a great career in men's sports. So, kudos to you Erin Andrews.

It's that time of the night where if this was just a conversation, the name dropping would begin. But we are lucky enough to also get video confirmation and some sound bites. Charlie White, Duck Dynasty parents, Ralph Macchio, Rick Schroder, David Justice, more Duck Dynasty parents, Amy Purdy and Brent Daugherty, Cheech, Leah Remini, Rumer Willis, Danica McKellar, cut to the live feed interviews and there's more couple speculation about Val and Jenna and Lolo is still upset.

Julianne put her boobs away. Thank you, Julianne. She thinks this season has a really good cast. Then Tom cuts her off.  Ouch!


I actually like the behind the scenes stuff on dance night. I'd rather see that those video shorts they put together because the behind the scenes stuff is more real.  First up, Cheryl and Antonio. He must have been pretty nervous. When they finish, she tells him, You did it! They got a 25.

Next Tavis and Sharna's dance. Sharna is pleased, and she should have been! They got a 29.

Tony and Betsey and boa-gate. OF COURSE we replay it. She is yanking on the boa, Tony tells her to forget it, but then she yanks the entire rack across the floor and comes away with four or five boas, which then get in their way. Tony tells her to stop, stop stop. I'm impressed with that. Tony had to know it was going to be a sure death for their scores. He clears the boas out of the way and tells her to do her cartwheel. I bet Betsey is quite a pistol in real life.  They got a 20. Later you hear Tony tell a confused Betsey that a stagehand hooked it to a hanger, and thus the confusion. Bet that stagehand got fired. Either that, or Betsey loosened every other stitch in their clothing so they could have a wardrobe malfunction of their own.

First results of the season: first safe couple - Antonio and Cheryl. Tavis and Sharna also safe! Betsey and Tony are in jeopardy. They can't be surprised. Well, she sure looks surprised. She sinks down to the floor, while holding on to Tony. That's...interesting.

New Pro highlight time...everyone is covered in baby oil. I know this because Tom told me. Whoa, that promo video was slick! Heh! Now it's commercial time.

We're back! Time to get to know a little more about the Stars. Women first! Janel is from Hawaii.  Apparently, Hawaiians love dancing. Janel is taking her mom from in front of a TV to the front row and says she'd better vote for her. I'd make a comment on this, but my mom won't even read my blogs, so I actually understand that. I wonder if Janel's mom knows Val and Janel are getting it on. Surely she knows. I mean, that was pretty much the focus of any time they had in the spotlight last night.

Sadie! She wants to share her faith and show that Christians can have fun too. She is seriously adorable. But who says Christians can't have fun too? Because they are wrong.

Now Lolo. Lolo is getting a bad rap on the Internet. I think she's just a really intense competitor. Just because she's an Olympic athlete doesn't mean she's automatically going to be an amazing dancer. Let's cut her some slack. Lolo tells us she had a really bad prom experience in 2000. Apparently her date stopped dancing with her because she wasn't a good dancer. It's apparent that there are still scars from that. She hasn't slow danced with a man since. Does that mean she's slow danced with a woman? I wonder if her prom date was interested in much more than dancing and got pissed when he realized that wouldn't happen. If so, that makes him a double douche.

Lea! Yeah, yeah, Baryshnikov called you stocky when you were 20 and crushed your ballet dreams. I hope she's gotten some therapy for that. I really like Lea Thompson and hope she does well. But the producers of this show need to stop picking off that scab for goodness' sake. At least she didn't talk about being a cougar again. Thank you for that, Lea. By the way, Sarah Jessica Parker, aka Carrie Bradshaw used to want to be a ballerina and she didn't make it and she's not stocky at all. Take heart, Lea!

Bethany. God. Are they going to do every. single. interview with her like a YouTube video? It's only hour three of the show this season and I'm tired of that. DWTS needs to be more original.

Betsey! She used to want to be a Rockette. That makes sense. Age is a matter of mind. That's right Betsey!

We'll hear from the men later. Can't wait.

Now we find out which dance the judges want to see again. Len calls it one of the best first dances in DWTS history. The encore goes to Alfonso and Witney. They really did kill it last night, and they do it again tonight.  Seriously amazing.

More recaps and behind the scenes. First up,  Micheal and Emma. You are no Bill Engvall, sir. They get a 25. Michael always seems like he's hitting on Emma. Is he married? I hope not.

Val and Janel. He tells her she's the best before they go on. Awwww. She is upset behind the scenes because she thought they'd get higher scores. They got a 29, which is really good for the first night. Val seems totally fine with their score. I'm pretty sure she tells Val 'I love you'. It's a little soon for that, right? Maybe it's the showbiz 'I love you'.

Randy and Karina. Behind the scenes they are talking with Ralph Macchio. Randy does the Karate Kid crane. THAT WAS AWESOME! Ralph is way over 50 and still looks 30. Maybe Dick Clark willed him his youthful genes. Randy is really light on his feet, which makes sense since he's a fighter. He's got such a great smile. They replay Carrie Ann falling out of her chair over his sexiness. Sigh. They score a 31. Karina reminds me of a small dog that won't stop humping it's pillow even after it's been fixed with the way she is jumping up and down against Randy. I'm guessing getting kicked off in week 2 last season was a really big deal to her.

Side note - I love how the cast is really supportive of one another when they dance, even though they are all competing against each other.

But are they safe? Janel and Val are safe! Randy and Karina are safe! Yay! It seems like it took it a second to sink in. Michael and Emma are in jeopardy. But that falls in with the Bill Engvall school of DWTS, so relax Michael. And it looks like they loosened his onesie. That's good. No one likes a wedgie.

Commercial time! When we come back, Smokey Robinson is going to perform.

Oh wait, before we get Smokey, we get the Men's Motivation segment after a coed dance. Let's GO GO GO!

Alfonso is a huge fan and is really excited to be here! But most of all, he's excited to loose FAT. They even do a neat-o little graphic where he flips the N from FAN into the T for FAT. Clever, clever.

Chong! He's here because he wants to learn to dance for his beautiful wife Shelby, to whom he's been married over 35 years. I didn't know that. She joins him in the spot and he spins her. They are adorable!

Tavis. People see  him as really serious and he wants to step out of his comfort zone and do something crazy before he turns 50. I think if you're going to have a mid-life crisis, this is a pretty safe way to go about it. Now I'm pulling for him, despite his Gary Busey-esque rant last night.

Antonio. He's always wanted to be on DWTS and he's always wanted to dance with Cheryl Burke. Well, aren't you just the lucky one then. He finishes with, 'hopefully I'll go all the way'. I bet you do, Antonio. ::finger guns::

Jonathan. Jonathan takes the serious route. DWTS was his dad's favorite show and the only show that made him happy before he died of cancer. It's got to be heartbreaking to lose a parent at any age. J is doing this show to make his dad proud. I like this version of J much better than last night's super animated guy. I didn't even mind the eyebrows.

Randy. Randy is known for beating guys down in a cage, but now wants to show a softer side. I wonder if he's going to go back to fighting after this and if he'll be taunted about that softer side. I know I wouldn't do it, but I bet someone else would.

Michael. Michael's motivation is Bill Engvall. Shocker. Moving on...

The next three couples are getting ready to find out if they are safe or not.

Jonathan said last night was the best night of this life last night. He's really nervous. Aww, he's just an adorable geek. He's the Leonard Hofstadter of this show. Now I don't even mind the eyebrows because Leonard has them too.

Lolo was crushed at her poor performance and feels bad that she let her partner down. She said Keo kept sending her sweet text messages. I bet Keo wants to do more than slow dance there Lolo.

Lea was graceful and elegant. These three aren't getting a video recap, I guess.

Smokey Robinson time! He performs a remake of My Girl. He's still got it! Mark and Witney dance together. They are a good dance pair.


Welcome back! The four highest scoring couples are waiting to hear. Alfonso and Witney are up. Still amazing. I could watch that dance over and over.  They score 36.  Alfonso was ready to cry from joy? Aww, Carlton. Will's not here to steal your thunder so you shine on man! Have a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich and just shine on!

Derek and Bethany. They are cute together. Derek says he forgot choreography. That really surprises me. You can't tell and they nail their routine. They get a 32.

Lea and Artem. He tells her that he's wearing purple underwear by Calvin Klein. Oh, I get it! It's a Back to the Future reference. Clever.  They get a 32.

Sadie and Mark. The Duck Dynasty parents and Sadie pray before she goes on. It must have worked . If she truly never dances, she's insanely talented. They get a 34.

Alfonso and Witney are safe! Sadie and Mark are safe! Lea and Artem are in jeopardy. Bethany and Derek are safe!

Now let's look at our brand new pros. Keo, Allison, and Artem. Allison is from So You Think You Can Dance. She won the show, then was a choreographer and won and Emmy for her choreo. Well, you go girl!  Artem. He won the British version of DWTS. He's Russian. So he's the new...Maks?  Keo. He's really excited to be here and he can move like there are no bones in his body.

They do a dance together with many of the other cast. It's impressive and pleasing to the eye.

Now the viewers get to pick which cast audition video they want to see. Oh how do you even choose!?!

And the audition video we are going to see is....Derek. Aww, he looks so young. I love that he is making fun of himself. Julianne is laughing hysterically. Derek has fixed his teeth.

Cut to Erin backstage. Betsey is sitting on the floor again. Tavis helps her up. Erin informs us that Betsey wants to take her corset off. Betsey says, 'Can you undo me?' to Tavis. Erin shuts that sh** down!  Lolo is there and looks like she feels mighty awkward. Poor Tavis...caught in the middle of that situation!

Jonathan and Allison recap. They get a 30. He does look like he's having fun. Backstage, he and Allison hug and tell each other they are proud of each other. They are walking down a hallway and he asks Allison, "What did Mark and duck girl get?" Allison replies, "Dude! They got TWO nines..that's good!" Well if he calls her duck girl, I get to call him Jyebrows.

Lolo and Keo. Bruno calls out Wrong foot! Wrong! Tommy Chong notes the judging is going to be brutal. I really didn't think it was. They got a 22. I think Tony and Betsey's dance was better overall and they scored lower.

Chong and Peeta. You can hear her giving him directions for their dance, but not as many as you'd think. He really did well. I love that Cheech is involved too. They got a 27.

Tommy and Peeta are safe! Lolo and Keo are in jeopardy. Jyebrow and Allison are safe and really excited about it. Tom: He's a very..happy person. ::Snort::


Lea and Artem are safe!  Michael and Emma are safe! They looked really worried. I hope he'll watch a replay of the show and tone down the dirty old man angle. Betsey and Tony are safe! Lolo and Keo are eliminated. That's a tough break.

Final interview. Lolo is pretty gracious about it all, but she looks so devastated. Keo said working with her was...interesting. That can't be good. Keo and Lolo don't even dance as the show closes. Hmmm.

See you next Monday!

Hell's Kitchen Recap 9/17

Last week on Hell's Kitchen: I have no idea because I don't normally watch this show, but I'm assuming that there was lots of drama, mess ups, and cursing. Kidding. I saw the "previously on" lead in to the show.

Last week, the teams competed in some sand challenge where it looks like they were digging up elephant trunks? Octopus tentacles? Mutant fish?  The men won that part, but then the women won the precision challenge and kept their winning streak going. Yay women! The girls were rewarded with the beach side equivalent of Chuck E Cheese for grown-ups and the men had to dig big holes in the sand...whilst wearing their chef coats. That must have sucked. Sterling and Fernando obviously don't like each other, and at dinner service the women blew it. The Ramsey yelled a lot, then kicked everyone out of the kitchen. Four nominated for elimination, Janai was the one to go.

Intro! ::eyeroll:: I'm never going to keep these people straight. I apologize in advance. 

Denine feels like she was thrown under the bus. Sterling is really happy he's still around and doing the Rick Flair 'WHOOOOOOO!'  with what looks like an attempt to do the Soulja Boy dance. 

Lots of angry words and lots of bleeps. Something about being disrespected. Steven is going to beat the living beeeeep out of you, Sterling. Do you get bonus points if you curse more than Gordon? Is it in the contract that you have to say at least six curse words per show? I used to work in food service, and while there was some sailor-level cursing going on at times, we never would have gotten away with that where customers could hear us. 

Uh oh...they are all called back to face The Ramsey. He thinks their communication sucks. Hello, pot, meet kettle.  Danine and Sterling have to step forward, Steven wants Sterling to go home. Danine and Sterling have to give up their jackets...but lest everyone get all excited that they are leaving, The Ramesy gives them new jackets. Then he gives everyone else new jackets. 

Ah! This is going to be a challenge. Chefs have to rely on their teammates to read the recipe and directions from the back of their new jacket and then must make the item. That seems...risky, especially with the amount of animosity going on within the teams. They have 45 minutes. 

Fernando repeats paprika about 20 times. That's annoying. 

Time's up! 

La Tascha and Santos got the chicken enchilada recipe. Who puts an egg on a chicken enchilada? And which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Anyway, The Ramsey pronounces Santos' chicken enchilada as too dry and the point goes to the Red Team. 

Katie and Steve cooked fritattas. They look TOTALLY different on the plates. Katie's tastes better than it looks, He likes Steve's as well, so both teams get a point. WTH? If it's a competition, shouldn't one person win? 

Ashley and Aaron have Shepard's Pie.  The Ramsey pronounces one of them as dry and dreadful. Point goes to the Blue Team, so Ashley is not the Little Bo Peep to Shepard's Pie, then. Moving on...

Danine and JR got cheeseburger. JR was super confident in the kitchen about his cheeseburger. But Danine wins this one because JR's was still raw. Bllleecccch. Point to the Red Team!

Kailen and Bryant have lobster spring rolls. Point goes to Blue Team. Well, that was short and sweet. 

Jennifer and Sterling face off over lettuce wraps. And they both get a point. This is stupid. 

Sade and Frank got spaghetti and meatballs. Sade's dish is dreadfully under-seasoned so Blue Team gets the point. The Ramsey likes Frank's sauce which Frank says was his mother's recipe. Betcha not for long, Frank. 

Roe and Fernando are the last to face off. They got empanadas, but Roe didn't know what she was making and thought it was a tart. I know not what empanadas are other than what's on the Taco Bell menu, so I thought they were a dessert. A tart isn't too far off is it? I don't know. Fernando looks smug. I'm not sure I like Fernando. Even if ABBA did sing a song about him. The point goes to...


And we're back, The point goes to...Blue Team, giving them a win with 6 points to 4.  The Blue Team gets to go to the Venice Beach Boardwalk to zip line. Then they get to dine at a fancy pants hotel. 

Ashley is mad that the boys are celebrating.  Were they supposed to be sad?  The women get to clean up the kitchen and prep for the service tonight. There's lots more cursing and yelling, but this time it's happy cursing and yelling...until we flip back to the women and then it's all angry. 

Danine won't help grind up coffee beans. Why are they grinding up coffee beans in what looks like meat grinders? Since she was on the chopping block last week, it seems like she'd be more eager to pitch in. But apparently not. Danine, you in danger girl!  

The guys are interrupted from zip lining and yelling and having fun to go eat a delicious meal. Tough life, man. It's an expensive meal. I believe it was Maine lobster, salad, and foie de gras. Then some really fancy dessert prepared by Chef Waylynn Lucas who the screen tells me is co-owner/chef of Fonuts. I don't know if she did the entire meal or just the dessert. She describes the dessert for them. It's chocolate with a coconut de-something or other on the bottom. Frank is drooling over Waylynn. It's very Jersey Shore, but then Frank is from Staten Island, so he probably either watches MTV or knows Paulie D. 

The girls catch something on fire. The announcer says Danine has turned the kitchen into a hazard. Dude, a kitchen is filled with knives and heat. Of course it's hazardous. Everyone is mad at Danine! 

The men are praying. That's probably a good idea. And thank you for not cursing during prayer. 

The Ramsey stresses communication. I have a bad feeling about this. 

It's service time, baby! 

LOOK! Celebrities! Someone from Basketball Wives, Elizabeth Rohm from American Hustle, and Wendy Williams. 

On the menu tonight: Chef Ramsey's classic menu BUT there's also a coffee rub kobe steak appetizer that will be prepared table side. Roe will do this for the Red Team and Fernando will do this for the Blue Team. Kobe beef is the most expensive beef in the world. Better not waste any, then.

JR is on appetizers. There is communication. Bryant is on fish.  Sterling is doing fish. Bryant and Sterling are having some trouble with each other. Bryant says the scallops aren't ready, Sterling says they are and takes them to The Ramsey. Bryant is in the  middle of trying to take over the station when The Ramsey asks who did the scallops. Bryant points to Sterling, The Ramsey says nice job. Dayyyuuuuuum. Maybe next time, Bryant! Appetizers are a go for the Blue Team. 

Red Team - Sade and Katie on appetizers and La Tascha is on fish. The ladies sound like they are communicating well. Time crunch! Katie is annoyed and wants Sade to shhhhh!!!! Appetizers are going out!

Fernando goes to the wrong table with his coffee rubbed Kobe beef  station. That would have been an expensive mistake. 

Roe is at Wendy Williams' table. Wendy says she is a foodie. Roe says she is not going to burn the Rolls Royce of beef, so she of course immediately sets it on fire. Roe then blows on it to try and put out the fire. Honey, it's not a birthday candle. Plus also, spit. Gross! She'd better be careful! It would be beyond tragic if we had an MJ/Pepsi commercial/Flaming head incident. Even Wendy is concerned about her wig. Smart move, Wendy! 

Appetizers are flying! 

Blue Team:  Aaron on meat, Bryant on fish, Frank on garnish. PRESSURE! Frank is going too slow for the others. Oh my God, The Ramsey is  being complementary. This means something is about to go really wrong. We are wating on Frank. Frank is freaking. Does Frank need a hand? Yes, but he says no. 

And here goes The Ramsey yelling. Frank has burned the brussel sprouts. Bryant over-cooked the halibut. Aaaand...cue the cursing. Is he going to make them eat it? Maybe that should be the the food you either under or over-cook.  The Ramsey pulls all of Blue Team out of the kitchen to yell at them about communicating. That should help. Then he shuts them up them in a pantry. Um, if burned or overcooked food is a concern, seems like the thing do to is NOT pull everyone out of the kitchen and shut them in a pantry.

Oh, never mind, they are back. I'm confused. Oh, right...standard reality drama. 

Back to the Red Team. 

Danine is trying to help but Kaylen says she doesn't need her help. (She totally does) Kaylen put raw lamb on a plate. Shouldn't they know the difference between raw and cooked? The raw lamb goes back in the oven, Kalen keeps opening the doors to check on it. Jennifer suggests (and someone yells out) that she needs to keep the oven doors shut to stop letting the heat out. Kalen, you should listen to your team mates and their communicating! Second attempt on serving the lamb and...nope. Still raw. The Ramsey yells to get it back in the bleeping oven! Yes, and then leave the oven door shut so it will cook! Kaylen is slammed on the meat station, so Kaylen slams the oven door. Yeah, that will help it cook faster. The Ramsey is not amused. 

Back to the Blue Team. Second entree attempt. There's more yelling, I mean, communicating. Halibut is...ewww. That looks gross. It's raw. Well, in all fairness, The Ramsey did just yell that it was overcooked. Gee wiz, Gordon. You're never happy.

Bryant got thrown out of the kitchen. 

Red Team: 3rd attempt at lamb. FINALLY. The serving of the lamb! Too bad Anthony Hopkins isn't in the restaurant tonight. The Red Team is rallying.

Blue Team! Steve has replaced Bryant on fish. If I were a customer, I'd be ready to leave already. Mostly because of The Ramsey, though. Frank is still discombobulated.  And the fish has left the kitchen! 

Aww, that's cute. The boys are trying to communicate, which really means they are all yelling at each other. The garnish is not acceptable. Good plan, Ramsey! Make them eat the food that they messed up. Frank gets thrown out. 

Red Team: Wendy Williams walks into the kitchen. Risky considering that Roe almost caught Wendy's wig on fire already. Oh dear! The salmon is raw. The chicken is as dry and a beep in beep in a beep beep. The Ramsey throws a tantrum. That should help. Then he kicks them out. What about the people who still haven't gotten their food? Is The Ramsey gonna do it by himself? And, more importantly, if he can, then I smell under-cooked salmon three days old. 


1 1/2 hours into dinner service and over half of the customers haven't gotten their entrees. This would be a good show for the Bahamas. No one cares down there how quickly stuff gets done. 

Blue Team is looking good. Seems like things are running more smoothly. Santos thinks they got rid of their dead weight, i.e. Bryant and Frank. Oh my God, did I just hear The Ramsey say 'Good job'? 

Red Team goes back to the kitchen and The Ramsey says they need to come up with two nominees for elimination. Wait, what happened to the customers? Did they ever eat? Did someone call Papa John? Inquiring minds need to know! 

The girls are discussing nomination for elimination. Drama! Ashley says she is embarrassed by her team. The discussion points to the meat station as the source of the biggest problem. Kalen and Denine are bickering back and forth about whose fault that is. The editors remind us via flashbacks that Denine asked Kalen what she needed her to do and Kalen said she had it under control. Wow. Everyone smokes! Bicker bicker bickering.

Back to the kitchen they go! The Ramsey asks for the nominations for elimination. First up: Kaylen because she feel behind on meat and messed up the team.  Second up:....commercial break.

And we're back! Second up: Denine because the team feels they had to carry her again. 

Kaylen and Denine defend themselves by pretty much repeating what we've already heard. 

Decision: Denine is gone. I cant tell if Kalen was more relieved or upset. Denine is bitter. 

JR is talking smack again. I hope you're next, man. 

Red Team: Jennifer says "I feel like I'm going to pass out." And then she does. Oh NO! Call a medic! To be continued!  

Next time - the kitchen is brought to a halt by one member of the Red Team (Kalen) and it might be on purpose! Well that's nothing new, is it? Two members of the Blue Team form an 'unlikely alliance' cough*SterlingandFernando*cough. The rest of the Blue Team hatches a sinister plot that turns into an all. out. war. We know this because the announcer tells us so. It will also be a very important episode. Drama! War! Yelling! Cursing! Anger! Cooking! Sharp knives! I wonder if anyone ever stopped to think that maybe you shouldn't piss off a bunch of people that don't seem all that balanced anyway in a competition where they have ready access to knives, fire, and salmonella? 

Yeah, I didn't think so. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dancing with the Stars 9/15 Recap

I used to love, love, love Television Without Pity, but then it got shut down. It was a sad, sad day. This recap, my first, is dedicated to everyone involved with TWOP - except those who shut it down, because they suck!

Okay, let's begin!

New opening. Interesting.Very show tunes-y. As usual, I don't know about half of these people. New Judge! Maybe that's why the new opening. Julianne Hough is the new judge and seriously, it looks like her boobs are going to spring out of that dress like a jack in the box. That's a little distracting.

I thought they fired Erin Andrews. Huh! Guess not, cause there she is.

Our pairs this season: Alfonso Ribeiro and Witney, Antonio Sabato, Jr and Cheryl, Bethany and Derek, Betsey Johnson and Tony, Janel Parrish and Val, Jonathan Bennett and Allison,  Lea Thompson and Artem, Lolo Jones and Keo, Michael Waltrip and Emma, Randy Couture and Karina, Sadie Robertson and Mark, Tavis Smiley and Sharna, and Tommy Chong and Peeta.

First up, Antonio and Cheryl. He's presented as an actor and former underwear model. Ugh, he comes off as sort of smarmy at the meet and greet.Cheryl looks really good.  Cheryl hasn't won since season 3 and this is her last season. I wonder if she's hoping that fact will help her since Maks won last year on his last year. Antonio and Cheryl are doing the Cha Cha. Well Cheryl is, Antonio seems to be walking around with her and smiling a lot. They are also gripping each other's heads a lot. They are dancing to Tonight I'm Loving You (whoa-oa). Well, Cheryl is dancing and Antonio is mostly flashing dimples and following her around. You can see her talking him through the dance. Uh oh. That doesn't bode well for Mirror Ball triumph. It is week one, so let's cut him some slack. The dance seems kind of short.

HA! Tom calls Julianne out on the cleavage and says that she's bursting at the seams. Brilliant!

Len says his footwork is bad. Julianne is in love. But she agrees with Len, and says that Antonio was flat-footed.But she loved his extensions and his hands.  Bruno is Bruno and throws a lot of sexual innuendo out. Something about balls. Oh Bruno.  He says that content was good, hip action good. Carrie Ann says that Cheryl and Antonio have hot chemistry and thinks that could be a problem because it will cause high expectations. She tells them to tone it down. It must be really interesting behind the scenes.

Now to Erin. I can't even be bothered to recap that because nothing of importance was said.

Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6,  Julianne 6, Bruno 7. Must have been the balls. Total of 25.

Next week will be all about technique and footwork for Cheryl and Antonio.

Next up: Lea Thompson and Artem (new cast member)

Lea Thompson is known for acting (they use Back to the Future, but I remember her from other 80's  movies like Some Kind of Wonderful) Oh, wow. She used to be a ballet dancer. Apparently, back in the day Barishnikov told her she was a good dancer but too stocky. WHAT!?!? Well, don't worry, Lea, Carrie Bradshaw dumped his ass in Paris, so he lost some serious credibility. Lea is awfully focused on the fact that she's older. She calls herself a cougar and  Mrs. Robinson. Let it go, honey. You are fine. They are dancing the foxtrot to This Will Be.  Lea is elegant and actually dancing as well as flashing her dimples. Take notes, Antonio. Dancing is more important than dimples. She looks really comfortable on the dance floor, too. Well done, Lea!

Now to the judges! Julianne says the dance was beautiful and and made her so happy. Lea has good lines.She tells Lea to work on posture. Bruno. Oh lord. Does he take an aphrodesiac before every show? He agrees with Julianne about the posture but he liked the dance. Carrie Ann thinks Bruno and Julianne are too picky, says its one of the best first foxtrots she's seen. Len liked it too. What the what?! Is Len losing his edge? It was a good dance, though.

Now to Erin, who brings up Barishnikov again. Let it go, people. It was 32 years ago.

Scores Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 8. They are really happy. Total of 32.

First elimination is tomorrow.  Oh now they have live streaming commentary on Dominic and Lacey. In case two nights a week isn't enough DWTS for you. It starts 5 minutes before the show does. Next season, they are going to podcast from rehearsals after the first show..mark my word.

Back from break. Does the cast get paid extra to act weird when the show returns from commercial break?

Next up: Janel Parrish and Val.

Janel is on Pretty Little Liars and also has done Broadway. She says something about feeling like she's getting ready for a first date. Oh boy. They meet and she mostly rubs her hands all over his torso. Get a room, you two. Val describes their meeting as having a natural chemistry. I describe it as going to hook up.

They are doing the jive. She's very comfortable on the stage.  They are dancing to Bang Bang. They are in sync, but the dance doesn't seem so much like a jive. She's wearing cute boots, though.  Their  jive is lots of flash and bang but not a lot of substance.

Bruno calls her spicy hot and compares her to JLo. That's fair, actually. Bruno likes sexy..who knew? Carrie Ann says she had fearsome courage and then Carrie Ann rubs herself. Awkward. She says to find a bubble  and stay in it a little, but great potential. Len says sharp and clean, a little untidy but overall great. Julianne agrees with Len, sharp, raw, sexy, and fierce and that Janel knows how to work it.

Up to Erin.  Erin called Julianne Julia. HA! Julianne doesn't look pleased.  Erin and Janel both dis Val and keep talking over him. Val wants her to work on her posture and told Janel her posture was like a grandma, but not HIS grandma (whom we all remember from last season). He says that his Grandma has swag. Whatever that means. Erin outs them and says that there is blossoming in their relationship, but the preview seemed to indicate that already. Oh those Chmerkovskiy boys.
 Janel throws Erin a little side eye on that. Stop talking, Erin.

Scores!  Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Julia, I mean Julianne 7, Bruno 8. Total of 29. More blather and innuendo about their relationship.

Next: Lolo Jones and new cast dancer Keo.

Lolo was in the Olympics for track and bobsledding. Wow, ambitious. Lolo Jones is also a virgin. So of course we need to disclose and discuss it on the show. Poor Lolo. That must be uncomfortable and you know the producers are disheartened because there goes their hooking up angle for Lolo and Keo. There's talk about how she is worried about being able to dance sexily.  I'd just like to interject that one can absolutely be sexy whether or not they are a virgin.

Dance time! They are doing the Cha Cha. Lolo seems really uncomfortable. She messes up pretty much right away and  you can tell it throws her. This woman has incredible legs. She tries hard to recover. Aww..Charlie and Meryl are in the audience. Hi Charlie and Meryl! Lolo is upset at her performance. She is going to need to work on her game face.

Carrie Ann mispronounces Keo's name, oops. She says the dance was more like a no-no. Lolo says that the beginning threw her because there were technical difficulties. Lolo is harder on herself than the judges are going to be. Lolo demonstrates that she could do the Cha Cha walk. Len tells her not to get down on herself. Julianne says that she picked it back up and good on her. She also tells Lolo that she has great legs, but needs to work on having more fluidity and more of a release. Bruno sings refrain from Let It Go. Oh Bruno. I guess Lolo is going to be the Candace of this season. Mark Ballas is thanking his lucky stars right now.

Erin interviews Lolo and there's a lot of talking. Lolo is her own worst enemy and definitely a perfectionist. This show is going to be difficult for her, I fear.

Scores! Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, Julianne 5, Bruno 5. That gives them a total of 22. Lolo says she expected 1's. Well then, you should be happy!

Next up are Betsey Johnson and Tony.

Betsey enters the room with a cartwheel into a split. Tony: oooh...did you get hurt? She didn't. But she's 72? She looks younger than that. She used to style Sex and the City. Maybe Betsey and Lea can compare Barishnikov notes. See if he's mellowed any. Betsey has come crazy outfits and some crazy hair. Tony seems really good-natured about their paring. I'm not sure he knows what to think about his partner. They are dancing the Cha Cha to Material girl. She is flexible. Good lord! They have a cute dance, and it suits her personality. Uh oh! She goes to get a boa off a clothing rack and it sticks. So then she pulls it and several come off. Now they are on the floor right where she needs to dance and it looks like her foot is slipping. She sort of freezes and stops. Tony flings them out of the way, but their song is already over. She steps over it and does her cartweel into a split. I'm guessing this is her signature move and we are going to see it every week. Aww, she's really shaken up.

Judges. Len says it was entertaining and too bad about the disaster with the boa. Maybe they should go out to dinner.  I think they are close to the same age. Julianne says bummed about the mess up and sings that Betsey is flexible. Bruno says the routine was off the wall spunky and says they went for it with gusto. Oh man, they aren't going to let Carrie Ann talk. That's a fine how-do-you-do. The show is having a lot of technical difficulty tonight. Tom even messes going to the commercial break intro and Tony ends up doing it. That's hilarious. Tom never messes up live.

And we're back. They are laughing it off now. Stuff happens. You just move on. Way to go Betsey and Tony!

Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, Julianne 5 and Bruno 5. So a total of 20 which will put them at the bottom for tonight, I bet.  Some boos from the audience. Betsey looks stunned. Bet the scores would have been higher if she hadn't just stopped like she did. But since there were boas all over the floor I'm glad she did because it looked like she was slipping on them and she really doesn't need to break a bone - especially on the first night. I hope they don't vote her off. She seems like a hoot.

Next up are Tavis Smiley and Sharna.. I seriously thought Tavis was a SNL skit. My bad. He's doing the show because he's turning 50 and wants to show his silly side. And then he shows it. Thanks for that, Tavis.  They are doing the foxtrot. He plays the piano on Sharna's stomach. Oh-kay. They look good! He can move! They are dancing to Pride and Joy. He's light on his feet.

Judges weigh in. Julianne gives him a z snap. She likes that he showed us a different side. Bruno says that he let his joyful side burst out like a ray of sunshine. Then he tells him to watch his arms. Carrie Ann says she likes watching him dance. Glad she's getting to talk this time. She thinks he moves well. Len says Tavis is nifty for 50, and that he liked it. He tells him to work on his footwork, elbows, and posture. Tavis is sweating bullets. I would be too.

Up to Erin - Erin has a talent for restating the obvious or the already spoken. Shut up, Erin.Wow. Tavis has lost 20 pounds already. Now Tavis is pulling a Gary Busey. with a play on sum and some. Betcha Bruno would have changed the first letter if it was up to him..if you know what I mean.

Scores: Carrie Ann 7,  Len 7, Julianne 8, Bruno 7. So a total of 29.

More staged cast shenanigans when we come back from break. Why do they do that?

Next up are Sadie Robertson and Mark Ballas. Sadie is the daughter of one of the Duck Dynasty guys. She's only 17 and cute as a button. Her mom tells her to use her manners and her southern charm. Mark picks her up from the airport. This is his 15th season. Sadie says she she doesn't have dance skills because they aren't allowed to dance at school. I think we need to call Kevin Bacon and get Footloose, then!

OH MAN! My satellite goes out because it's raining cats and dogs here. so I miss their dance. It cuts back in for the judge comments, Apparently it was amazing.

Okay, I YouTubed it. They are dancing the Cha Cha to Birthday. For having no dance experience, she is amazing. She's got great hip action and timing and she and Mark are well matched on the dance floor. She reminds me of Stacy Keibler. Sadie moves really well. This is where Lolo Jones needs to pay attention. Sadie and Mark are the perfect example of sexy dancing without it being sexual. See, it can be done! I do wonder why they give Mark all the young ones, though. And my satellite is back. They cut to Lolo Jones. She looks pissed! I feel bad for her.

Judges: Carrie Ann tells her she's a star and like a statue that moves perfectly. Wait, what? Len says it was fantastic and that it was really lovely. Julianne calls it a real live Footloose. Heh! Glad I'm not the only one that thought of that. Oh wait! Julianne was in the remake of Footloose, if you saw it. I did. It was meh. Julianne tells her to be more grounded and down and dirty, then must have caught a look from Daddy Robertson and tries to get her feet out of her mouth. Double heh. Just stop, Julianne. Either I missed Bruno or they skipped him.  Up to Erin! Erin tells her she has the whole package. Then they show her dad. Let the girl have her moment. Her dad has the show. They say that her Dad approved the  dress, he acts surprised to hear this. Apparently he has approval over everything??! Well, she's only 17.

Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Julianne 9 (that's not going to unsay the things you said, sweetie), Bruno 9. Their score is a 34. Her dress is really cute. Well, so is she. And she had dimples. Maybe they should add a caveat to this season: Dancing with the stars with dimples.

Next up are Michael Waltrip and Emma.  Michael is a NASCAR driver, so naturally he takes her for a ride in the car and naturally his costume is a race car suit. He's also friends with Bill Engvall who was Emma's partner on a previous season. In rehearsal, he tells Emma he's got "a a pretty nice ass for an old guy". Um. Oookay. Then he tells Emma she has a good ass, but phrases it charmingly this way 'like two cats wrestling together to get out of paper bag'. Gross. I think he was going for folksy, but frankly, I'm a little creeped out. I saw Bill Engvall in concert. When he was talking about DWTS, he was saying personality gets you as far, if not farther, than talent. I think Michael is hoping for that route. I dunno. It didn't really work for me with him and comparing someone's butt (no matter how nice) to two animals in a paper bag was done as an insult in Steel Magnolias, so maybe he needs to work on his folksy humor a bit more. Or a lot more.

We're back. Judges are fake dancing at the table. Julianne better not shimmy too hard. This show is live and she's testing the  limits of double sided tape.

Micheal and Emma are dancing the Cha cha to Born to Be Wild. Not Life is a Highway? Maybe that will be next week. He's trying really hard, but you can see him counting.Their routine is a lot like Cheryl and Antonio. He doesn't really dance all that much, but he puts his all in it.

Judges: Carrie calls him on the Bill connection, which he confirms. I knew it! She tells him to add more steps. Len says his engine was running but he never got out of first gear. He tells him to relax and enjoy it. Julianne. Oh dear.  She says (and I quote) "Well, I told Bill Engvall last season - was it last season or a couple seasons ago? - umm that he reminded me of my dad and that my favorite partner is my dad so that means I wanna dance with you. Because that was awesome, You looked you were having so much fun. It's really...odd..and it sounds like she's hitting on him. Bruno says he looked like a golf cart trying to keep up with a Ferrari. Michael leans over to Emma and sayss - that's bad right? Then he says that in his defense, his onesie giving him wedgies. HAAHA! Well trained, Bill Engvall!

Erin asks him what gear he thinks he's in and Michael just wants to find a bathroom to fix his wedgie. Scores:  Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Julianne 6, Bruno 6. A total of 25. Micheal admits they have work to do.

Next up are Jonathan Bennett and new cast member Allison.  He was in Mean Girls. Allison is from So You Think You Can Dance? Allison calls herself a maverick. Jonathan lost his dad 2 months ago and DWTS was his dad's favorite show. So he's doing the show in honor of his dad. Aww. They look really energetic at practice. Allyson says he's the male version of her. That's good, I guess. Jonathan is emotional about losing his dad. The producers are going to milk that for all it's worth.

They are doing the jive to Dance with Me Tonight. They really do have lots of energy. He's so enthusiastic. He needs to extend arms more, though.. He keeps up with Allison, and that can't be easy. He looks really surprised that he finished. I think he's on something. His eyes are really wide open and his facial expressions are exaggerated even out of the dance.

Judges: Len seemed to like it and says he has great potential. Julianne throws in a Mean Girls reference that I don't get...did she say grool?!? (she did, I looked it up) and says he has potential. What is going on with his eyes! I can't look away. Carrie Ann calls him adorkable. Adorkable now, but he needs to control his face or the little men with the nice, tight, white jacket and padded room are going to visit.

We're back - we didn't hear from Bruno. Jonathan is worried about that and was worried that Bruno hated it so much he wouldn't comment. Not so. Someone is doing a horrible job managing the time on this show tonight. Erin is with Allison and Jonathan. I can't figure out his deal. He is WAY too excited. He says this is the most fun thing he's ever done but he doesn't remember it. But it was fun.  Alrighty then.

Scores:  Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, Julianne 7, Bruno 8. That's a total of  30. I would have thought a little higher. It's official. His eyebrows freak me out. Sorry, Jonathan.

Next up are Tommy Chong and Peeta.

He rolls up in a VW van full of smoke. HA! Classic. Bet it's not vapor. He looks like he's stoned in his interview. He's here because Cheech bet him he couldn't be on the show. I wonder how old he is? He and Peeta are cute together. They are doing the cha cha and Cheech drove him onstage. They are dancing to Drop it Like It's Hot. That's awesome. He's actually pretty good. Nothing elaborate, but  he has really good rhythm. Cheech keeps making me laugh with his expressions and the car with the jumping hydraulics in the background. When the dance is over, Peeta's looking for a hug, but he leaves her hanging and plays to the audience. That was hilarious . I think he's going to be my favorite this season.

Judges:  Julianne says she likes older men and that she thinks he's extremely sexy. Chong stresses that he's a stoner, Again. We get it, Chong. We won't forget. Settle down, Julianne. Bruno says he was expecting Bad Grandpa but got Cool Grandpa. Shh, Bruno, Julianne can already barely control herself. Carrie Ann says he's fantastic that he's so good and so cool. That he did some pops pops and killed it. Len says he thought it would like a trip to the dentist but doesn't know why he was concerned because it was painless and fun and he enjoyed it. Where do they come up with this stuff?

Up to Erin. Chong says that Peeta is his master and says he's good at doing what beautiful women tell him to do. LOL! work it Chong. Cheech nods approvingly. Heh.

Scores! Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Julianne 7, Bruno 7. Total of 27. I would have thought higher.

Next up are the fighter dude Randy Couture and Karina. Randy was also in Expendables 3, which I haven't seen.

For the meet and greet she pretends she doesn't know who he is on the way to meet him and mentions that last season she got eliminated in week 2. I bet the competition among the pros is fierce - especially since they all seem to date each other. When she walks into meet Randy, she knows exactly who he is. Karina, you're a great dancer but a horrible actress. They are emphasizing his softer side. Well, that worked for Maks last season too. Why not? They are doing a foxtrot to The Way You Look Tonight. Wow, Randy has a lot of grace for such a big, muscular guy that beats people to a pulp for a living.

Judges weigh in. Bruno - I don't even know what he's saying. Carrie Ann gushes over how sexy he is. I think it's creepy when the judges ogle the stars.  Len likes it, says it was dandy, Randy. Heh. Julianne actually says Randy you make me randy. Tom calls her out for having hit on 3 of the contestants tonight. Get her, Tom! LOL at Jonathan and his expression and eyebrows.

Scores: Carrie Ann 8. Len 7, Julianne 8, Bruno 8. Total of  31. Karina is jumping up and down and squeaking. Peeta was starting at the ceiling. at the end there. I wonder what that was about. Tom says Jonathan's eyes are so wide he's going to need drops. HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Word, Tom. Word.

Two more to go - Derek and Bethany and Whitney and Alfonso (aka Carlton Banks).

We're back. The cast  is dancing on the balcony and taking selfies.

Next up are YouTube star Bethany Mota and Derek. She's famous for making videos. Good for her.   I don't buy any of that crap. She's a YouTube vlogger of all the fun stuff that's in her head. She's also only 18. I'm already annoyed. But that's because I'm just jealous. Rehearsals going well. they are setting this up like a YouTube video. How original, or should I say  #NotOriginal #overdone. She has dimples too. Not relevant,  but I mentioned it anyway.

They are doing the jive to Shake it Off. They are good partners! Then again, Derek makes everyone look good.  But she keeps up with him and seemed really comfortable on stage.  Judges are gonna judge but are the haters gonna hate? Carrie Ann says it was tight, clean, and well-rehearsed. She says Bethany's energy is great until she stops or switches and then it goes back down.  Len likes it. Julianne - says she loses energy in the in between moments. So basically, what Carrie Ann just said. Bruno says she's huge on the web and pretty good on the floor. She just needs to flow effortlessly.

Derek carries Bethany the last few stairs up to Erin (why does he do that?). Erin throws shade at Bethany for being tired because, as Erin points out, Bethany's been standing on the balcony until now. Shut it, Erin. She's been rehearsing all day and was nervous to boot. I miss Brooke Burke Charvet. Bethany thought it went well, Derek thought it went well. Well, there you go.
Score: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 8. A 32! Those were good scores.

Next are Alfonso Riberio and Witney. Finally! Oh, he was on Silver Spoons with Ricky Schroeder. Maybe that's why Ricky's in the audience.

I wonder if Will Smith will show up in the audience at some point. Wouldn't that be a coup! Witney asks what Alfonso's strategy is for them. His is to lose weight and get in shape. Hers is to WIN! He's down with her strategy, then. Well, that's good. Oh snap! She says he's  twice her age. Ouch!  You see them working out a lot. Maybe they'll both get their wishes.

They are doing the jive to The Clapping Song.  Bring it, Carlton! He's amazing. He's potentially this season's Meryl. But, let's remember that he won the Michael Jackson dance-a-like contest way back when. And he did make The Carlton a thing. They are well matched and awesome! Uncle Phil would be proud. Why is Ricky Schroder in the audience? Oooh...they were on Silver Spoons together! Bet there's not going to be a Will Smith sighting, then.  Betsey Johnson bows down. They get a standing O, it was totally deserved.

To the judges! Len says no stressin', no messin'. It was a beautiful routine and best dance of night. Julianne says it was unbelievable and had amazing choreography. Bruno says the Prince of Bel-Air is the king of the night. Carrie says he raised the stakes and was excellent. He's still got some Carlton in him, I see. But it's cute. And bonus points for mentioning how hard EVERYONE has worked.

Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, Julianne 9, Bruno 9. I agree with that! Total of 36.

So that puts Alfonso and Witney at the top and Betsey and Tony at the bottom. They don't show the score board again, just the numbers to vote. Probably because they are out of time.

Tomorrow is elimination. DUN DUN DUN!

Friday, September 12, 2014

Parenting fail.

I have made a horrible parenting mistake.

Yes, yes, yes, more than one, but this one is huge.

This week has been a struggle getting my daughter to do her homework without having a meltdown. The rule follower/attempted perfectionist that inhabits my brain has certain standards in mind for my kids. The parent in me is trying to tell that rule follower/perfectionist to shut it. No one is listening.

Last night, I was listening to my daughter read aloud. She has to do this for 20 minutes a night. Some nights, 20 minutes can stretch well over an hour because the rule follower in me only counts the minutes she actually spends reading and not the minutes where she tells me about her day (again) or asks if she can get some water or tells me that she's hungry or finds something to argue about or the time she wastes asking me if it's been 20 minutes yet.

The perfectionist in me cringes when she reads in a monotone voice, when she mixes up the order of the words when she reads aloud, and when she doesn't factor in the punctuation so that when she reads 'Today was an exciting day! We had our class zoo trip today. We all got to hold a snake, let a bird perch on our shoulders, and pet the stingrays!'  - it comes out like this: 'todaywasanexctingdaywehadourclasszootriptodayweallgottoholdasnakeletabirdperchonourshouldersandpethestingrays.'

::bangs head against wall:: I have no idea why that bugs me so much, but it does. Oh, does it ever!

Last night, the monotone effect was more pronounced than usual. I was sitting beside her on the couch and after 20 minutes of reading what sounded like one really, really, really boring sentence, I had no idea what the hell she had just read. I was focusing so much on trying to make sense of what I was hearing that I couldn't tell you a single thing about the chapter other than the main character's name was Clementine (and I know that because of the book title) and something about a missing rat.

With the reading having been completed (sort of), we started to tackle the attached homework assignment...pick one of five questions and answer it with 1-2 sentences.


I'll spare you all the details, mostly because I'm trying to shove them deep, deep down inside so I can look at my daughter without hearing the angry, hurtful words she hurls in my direction when life isn't going her way.

Basically, she didn't know what she had read either. You KNOW it's bad when the person who read out loud can't even decipher or process what she read...for 20 minutes. I had to go back and re-read the chapter to even have a clue myself. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

After many minutes of back and forth which can be nicely and quickly summed up with she wanted me to tell her what to write and I refused, she complained about having to do homework and I was unsympathetic, and she threw a hissy fit to try and get her way and it didn't work.


Are you ready?

I started off with excellent intentions (said the group of people standing at the gates of hell looking all confused and fake-innocent) and was trying to ask her why she was having so much trouble with the reading assignments this week.

My arguments:
She gets to choose what to read. I'm sitting beside her the entire time giving her my full attention. We've been reading together pretty much since she was born so this isn't a new concept, it's now just a required concept. She was reading really, really well in kindergarten before we moved (she's now in 2nd grade). She was reading much better last week. So what's the deal and why the change?

Her response? I don't know.


And that's when I did it. Opened mouth, inserted foot, and kept on going anyway. It went something like this:

I don't understand. You are a really, really smart girl. Your reading this week has been agony on both of us. You are completely ignoring punctuation and are avoiding any expressive reading. You read so beautifully last week I don't understand what's happening this week - especially today. You were reading better in kindergarten than you read today.

(Wait for it...wait for it....)

You have my full, complete attention. How much more attention can I give you than my full attention? When your brother was in second grade, I didn't help him with his homework because you had started kindergarten and needed my help. He just did his homework, I checked it, and that was that. But you're in second grade now and it seems like you are regressing instead of progressing. What's going on? If you had to do your homework by yourself, I'm not sure you could get it done. Please tell me what is going on with you. It's like you are smothering your abilities and it makes no sense.

Two words for that little speech: Cringe. Worthy.

My two kids are night and day different. It's like expecting an apple to taste like a cantaloupe. My son had never needed the kind of attention that my daughter seems to require. And, while it's true that I really, truly don't understand it, that little frustrated, poorly executed lecture was a Total. Parenting. Fail.

Hear that sound?


Well, that's the sound of her college fund being spent on therapy.