Last night on Dancing With the Stars: Stars and pros danced. Other people watched. Tonight, we crush the mirror ball dreams of one couple. In my head, I'm doing the Boys In The Hall skit of head crushing, only with a mirror ball..I crush your mirror ball! Crush! Crush!
Opening number. All girls, no stars on this one. This has to be a Beyonce song. Work it Sharna and Witney! Seriously - these pro and troop dancers are amazing.
I wonder if the stars think it's gross to be in the same dancing costume two days in a row. Surely they clean them in between, right?
Hi Tom and Erin! Erin is wearing a killer cut out red dress. Even though I find her interviews annoying, you have to hand it to her that she is a beautiful lady. I feel slightly guilty for listening to the gossip about her that she's a real diva and difficult to work with. It can't be easy to have paved the way to a great career in men's sports. So, kudos to you Erin Andrews.
It's that time of the night where if this was just a conversation, the name dropping would begin. But we are lucky enough to also get video confirmation and some sound bites. Charlie White, Duck Dynasty parents, Ralph Macchio, Rick Schroder, David Justice, more Duck Dynasty parents, Amy Purdy and Brent Daugherty, Cheech, Leah Remini, Rumer Willis, Danica McKellar, cut to the live feed interviews and there's more couple speculation about Val and Jenna and Lolo is still upset.
Julianne put her boobs away. Thank you, Julianne. She thinks this season has a really good cast. Then Tom cuts her off. Ouch!
I actually like the behind the scenes stuff on dance night. I'd rather see that those video shorts they put together because the behind the scenes stuff is more real. First up, Cheryl and Antonio. He must have been pretty nervous. When they finish, she tells him, You did it! They got a 25.
Next Tavis and Sharna's dance. Sharna is pleased, and she should have been! They got a 29.
Tony and Betsey and boa-gate. OF COURSE we replay it. She is yanking on the boa, Tony tells her to forget it, but then she yanks the entire rack across the floor and comes away with four or five boas, which then get in their way. Tony tells her to stop, stop stop. I'm impressed with that. Tony had to know it was going to be a sure death for their scores. He clears the boas out of the way and tells her to do her cartwheel. I bet Betsey is quite a pistol in real life. They got a 20. Later you hear Tony tell a confused Betsey that a stagehand hooked it to a hanger, and thus the confusion. Bet that stagehand got fired. Either that, or Betsey loosened every other stitch in their clothing so they could have a wardrobe malfunction of their own.
First results of the season: first safe couple - Antonio and Cheryl. Tavis and Sharna also safe! Betsey and Tony are in jeopardy. They can't be surprised. Well, she sure looks surprised. She sinks down to the floor, while holding on to Tony. That's...interesting.
New Pro highlight time...everyone is covered in baby oil. I know this because Tom told me. Whoa, that promo video was slick! Heh! Now it's commercial time.
We're back! Time to get to know a little more about the Stars. Women first! Janel is from Hawaii. Apparently, Hawaiians love dancing. Janel is taking her mom from in front of a TV to the front row and says she'd better vote for her. I'd make a comment on this, but my mom won't even read my blogs, so I actually understand that. I wonder if Janel's mom knows Val and Janel are getting it on. Surely she knows. I mean, that was pretty much the focus of any time they had in the spotlight last night.
Sadie! She wants to share her faith and show that Christians can have fun too. She is seriously adorable. But who says Christians can't have fun too? Because they are wrong.
Now Lolo. Lolo is getting a bad rap on the Internet. I think she's just a really intense competitor. Just because she's an Olympic athlete doesn't mean she's automatically going to be an amazing dancer. Let's cut her some slack. Lolo tells us she had a really bad prom experience in 2000. Apparently her date stopped dancing with her because she wasn't a good dancer. It's apparent that there are still scars from that. She hasn't slow danced with a man since. Does that mean she's slow danced with a woman? I wonder if her prom date was interested in much more than dancing and got pissed when he realized that wouldn't happen. If so, that makes him a double douche.
Lea! Yeah, yeah, Baryshnikov called you stocky when you were 20 and crushed your ballet dreams. I hope she's gotten some therapy for that. I really like Lea Thompson and hope she does well. But the producers of this show need to stop picking off that scab for goodness' sake. At least she didn't talk about being a cougar again. Thank you for that, Lea. By the way, Sarah Jessica Parker, aka Carrie Bradshaw used to want to be a ballerina and she didn't make it and she's not stocky at all. Take heart, Lea!
Bethany. God. Are they going to do every. single. interview with her like a YouTube video? It's only hour three of the show this season and I'm tired of that. DWTS needs to be more original.
Betsey! She used to want to be a Rockette. That makes sense. Age is a matter of mind. That's right Betsey!
We'll hear from the men later. Can't wait.
Now we find out which dance the judges want to see again. Len calls it one of the best first dances in DWTS history. The encore goes to Alfonso and Witney. They really did kill it last night, and they do it again tonight. Seriously amazing.
More recaps and behind the scenes. First up, Micheal and Emma. You are no Bill Engvall, sir. They get a 25. Michael always seems like he's hitting on Emma. Is he married? I hope not.
Val and Janel. He tells her she's the best before they go on. Awwww. She is upset behind the scenes because she thought they'd get higher scores. They got a 29, which is really good for the first night. Val seems totally fine with their score. I'm pretty sure she tells Val 'I love you'. It's a little soon for that, right? Maybe it's the showbiz 'I love you'.
Randy and Karina. Behind the scenes they are talking with Ralph Macchio. Randy does the Karate Kid crane. THAT WAS AWESOME! Ralph is way over 50 and still looks 30. Maybe Dick Clark willed him his youthful genes. Randy is really light on his feet, which makes sense since he's a fighter. He's got such a great smile. They replay Carrie Ann falling out of her chair over his sexiness. Sigh. They score a 31. Karina reminds me of a small dog that won't stop humping it's pillow even after it's been fixed with the way she is jumping up and down against Randy. I'm guessing getting kicked off in week 2 last season was a really big deal to her.
Side note - I love how the cast is really supportive of one another when they dance, even though they are all competing against each other.
But are they safe? Janel and Val are safe! Randy and Karina are safe! Yay! It seems like it took it a second to sink in. Michael and Emma are in jeopardy. But that falls in with the Bill Engvall school of DWTS, so relax Michael. And it looks like they loosened his onesie. That's good. No one likes a wedgie.
Commercial time! When we come back, Smokey Robinson is going to perform.
Oh wait, before we get Smokey, we get the Men's Motivation segment after a coed dance. Let's GO GO GO!
Alfonso is a huge fan and is really excited to be here! But most of all, he's excited to loose FAT. They even do a neat-o little graphic where he flips the N from FAN into the T for FAT. Clever, clever.
Chong! He's here because he wants to learn to dance for his beautiful wife Shelby, to whom he's been married over 35 years. I didn't know that. She joins him in the spot and he spins her. They are adorable!
Tavis. People see him as really serious and he wants to step out of his comfort zone and do something crazy before he turns 50. I think if you're going to have a mid-life crisis, this is a pretty safe way to go about it. Now I'm pulling for him, despite his Gary Busey-esque rant last night.
Antonio. He's always wanted to be on DWTS and he's always wanted to dance with Cheryl Burke. Well, aren't you just the lucky one then. He finishes with, 'hopefully I'll go all the way'. I bet you do, Antonio. ::finger guns::
Jonathan. Jonathan takes the serious route. DWTS was his dad's favorite show and the only show that made him happy before he died of cancer. It's got to be heartbreaking to lose a parent at any age. J is doing this show to make his dad proud. I like this version of J much better than last night's super animated guy. I didn't even mind the eyebrows.
Randy. Randy is known for beating guys down in a cage, but now wants to show a softer side. I wonder if he's going to go back to fighting after this and if he'll be taunted about that softer side. I know I wouldn't do it, but I bet someone else would.
Michael. Michael's motivation is Bill Engvall. Shocker. Moving on...
The next three couples are getting ready to find out if they are safe or not.
Jonathan said last night was the best night of this life last night. He's really nervous. Aww, he's just an adorable geek. He's the Leonard Hofstadter of this show. Now I don't even mind the eyebrows because Leonard has them too.
Lolo was crushed at her poor performance and feels bad that she let her partner down. She said Keo kept sending her sweet text messages. I bet Keo wants to do more than slow dance there Lolo.
Lea was graceful and elegant. These three aren't getting a video recap, I guess.
Smokey Robinson time! He performs a remake of My Girl. He's still got it! Mark and Witney dance together. They are a good dance pair.
Welcome back! The four highest scoring couples are waiting to hear. Alfonso and Witney are up. Still amazing. I could watch that dance over and over. They score 36. Alfonso was ready to cry from joy? Aww, Carlton. Will's not here to steal your thunder so you shine on man! Have a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich and just shine on!
Derek and Bethany. They are cute together. Derek says he forgot choreography. That really surprises me. You can't tell and they nail their routine. They get a 32.
Lea and Artem. He tells her that he's wearing purple underwear by Calvin Klein. Oh, I get it! It's a Back to the Future reference. Clever. They get a 32.
Sadie and Mark. The Duck Dynasty parents and Sadie pray before she goes on. It must have worked . If she truly never dances, she's insanely talented. They get a 34.
Alfonso and Witney are safe! Sadie and Mark are safe! Lea and Artem are in jeopardy. Bethany and Derek are safe!
Now let's look at our brand new pros. Keo, Allison, and Artem. Allison is from So You Think You Can Dance. She won the show, then was a choreographer and won and Emmy for her choreo. Well, you go girl! Artem. He won the British version of DWTS. He's Russian. So he's the new...Maks? Keo. He's really excited to be here and he can move like there are no bones in his body.
They do a dance together with many of the other cast. It's impressive and pleasing to the eye.
Now the viewers get to pick which cast audition video they want to see. Oh how do you even choose!?!
And the audition video we are going to see is....Derek. Aww, he looks so young. I love that he is making fun of himself. Julianne is laughing hysterically. Derek has fixed his teeth.
Cut to Erin backstage. Betsey is sitting on the floor again. Tavis helps her up. Erin informs us that Betsey wants to take her corset off. Betsey says, 'Can you undo me?' to Tavis. Erin shuts that sh** down! Lolo is there and looks like she feels mighty awkward. Poor Tavis...caught in the middle of that situation!
Jonathan and Allison recap. They get a 30. He does look like he's having fun. Backstage, he and Allison hug and tell each other they are proud of each other. They are walking down a hallway and he asks Allison, "What did Mark and duck girl get?" Allison replies, "Dude! They got TWO nines..that's good!" Well if he calls her duck girl, I get to call him Jyebrows.
Lolo and Keo. Bruno calls out Wrong foot! Wrong! Tommy Chong notes the judging is going to be brutal. I really didn't think it was. They got a 22. I think Tony and Betsey's dance was better overall and they scored lower.
Chong and Peeta. You can hear her giving him directions for their dance, but not as many as you'd think. He really did well. I love that Cheech is involved too. They got a 27.
Tommy and Peeta are safe! Lolo and Keo are in jeopardy. Jyebrow and Allison are safe and really excited about it. Tom: He's a very..happy person. ::Snort::
Lea and Artem are safe! Michael and Emma are safe! They looked really worried. I hope he'll watch a replay of the show and tone down the dirty old man angle. Betsey and Tony are safe! Lolo and Keo are eliminated. That's a tough break.
Final interview. Lolo is pretty gracious about it all, but she looks so devastated. Keo said working with her was...interesting. That can't be good. Keo and Lolo don't even dance as the show closes. Hmmm.
See you next Monday!