We open with Jessie J, who is performing RIGHT NOW and will also be a guest judge. It's not about the money, money, money evidently. It's about the show, publicity, and hair gel. Seriously. Her hair isn't moving at all. Bang, bang! She's burning up!
New partnerships: Alfonso and Cheryl (dang, girl! She's wearing about an six square inches of clothing and lots of netting and that's it.)
Antonio and Allison (oh sweet Lord what is he WEARING?)
Bethany and Mark
Janel and Artem
Jonathan and Peta
Lea and Val
Michael and Witney
Sadie and Derek (thank you for not doing the duck arms!!!!!)
Tommy and Emma
No one is crying or looks angry as they introduce the new pairings, so that's something.
Last week Alfonso was at the top and Jonathan was at the bottom. Jonathan actually looks happier than Alfonso.
We learn how difficult the switch up can be. (It's really hard, ya'll). Jealousy! Insecurity! Tension! The pros are feeling the pressure. I think Derek got his hair done. Or maybe it's not just all jelled up and slicked back.
We're back with the judges. Julianne's hair looks great tonight! Jessie J will be looking for a good entertainer. I had no idea she was British! The things you learn...
We see Allison and Antonio first. They surprise him with his new partner. Antonio looks psyched. There's lots of laughing. Allison could rival Julia Roberts' belly laugh this week. Cheryl calls and gives them her blessing. Antonio winks at the camera. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Allison doesn't look convinced. They are dancing Bollywood.
Oh, this is not going well. Antonio looks wooden and while he is smiling, he's about a half a beat behind. They finish with Antonio grabbing a strap and swinging around in the air. The camera cuts to Cheryl and Jonathan up in the sky box. Jonathan doesn't look happy now. Roh-roh Shaggy!
Judges: Julianne loves his heart and passion and enthusiasm and fun but comments on the difference with the timing and movements as a pair. Bruno agrees with Julianne and says their rhythm and synchronization is off. Carrie Ann thinks they have a great partnership and Allison opened him up. Jessie J was impressed and liked the aerobatics.
Up to Erin; asks how the week went, they said it was a lot of fun.
Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Jessie J 6, Julianne 7, Bruno 7. 28 total. Whoa! Jessie J is a badass.
Cheryl says she's proud and happy. I bet. Jonathan is in the back looking like he's having a conversation with someone and he's laughing. Wish I could hear that!
Sadie and Bethany interview each other about the most annoying thing about their partner because they are switching partners with each other this week. Sadie says Mark makes farting noises whenever she bends over (cue fart noise montage) and Bethany says Derek makes this weird gasping-like noise when he's trying to come up with a routine (cue gasping noise montage). Sounds boring, but it's pretty hilarious.
Welcome back! Why is Joey Fatone in the sky box?
Mark waits behind the studio door and scares the sh*t out of Bethany when she walks in the studio. Way to welcome your partner, doofus. They are doing hip hop. Bethany says she needs swag this week and doesn't know if she has it. Just a thought, but if you have to ask what it is, you might not have it. There's a bit where the producers try to make it seem like everyone is a little jealous, but...meh.
Dance time Sadie and Derek are part of the opening. Oh snap! Did Mark and Bethany just kiss?? Maybe there was some jealousy. Their dance seems more like jazz than hip hop, though. Bethany can groove! That was great!
Judges: Bruno says Mark and Bethany are good together and she is blossoming week to week. Carrie Ann says she has swag...for real! Then she says the transitions seemed sticky. Bethany looks crushed, Mark tries to take the blame for that. Jessie J says she thought Bethany would be shy and awkward but she was grooving with her and she thinks Bethany attacked it. Julianne shouts out that Bethany just showed Derek some attack. She says Bethany held her own and some other stuff I can't be bothered to recap because...just hush Julianne. We know you're a dancer.
Tom plugs DWTS live and then we go to Erin who asks Bethany to do her favorite move. Bethany's like 'which one?' Heh. Erin doesn't know so she's all...'you know, your FAVORITE one'. Double heh! But Bethany does a move, Erin tells her she has swag.
The camera cuts to the judges and I paused it to type, and I swear Julianne is looking down at Jessie J's boobs or crotch or something. Random!
Erin wipes (or pretends to wipe) lipstick off Mark's mouth and Derek's all, 'Whaaa? You guys actually touched lips?' Uh, yeah, Derek. Weren't you watching?
Scores! Carrie Ann 8, Jessie J 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Not bad, but I thought they'd be higher. They were way better than Antonio.
Oh, Joey Fatone is singing tonight. Tom calls it the Alumni Association. HAHAHAHAHAAH! I love him.
We are back and it looks like Bethany is interviewing Mark (I guess for the live broadcast that Tom keeps plugging???!!!) Mark is saying that he's bummed about the scores. He thinks Bethany did great!
Onto Jonathan. Jonathan is stressed about doing well. We see him driving and talking. He walks in the studio and Peta is waiting for him. He's happy about being partnered with Peta and says she's his second favorite dancer. Peta is pushing him really hard. A producer asks him who he likes better, Peta or Allison and Jonathan's like, "I'm not answering that! No way!!" Smart! Stop trying to cause trouble, show!!!
Jonathan and Peta are doing the jitterbug. His facial expressions are great, but I think he almost dropped Peta a couple of times. Wow! Joey Fatone was singing. Hi Joey! Jonathan and Peta look thrilled with their dance.
Carrie Ann says that so much of it was wrong. She could see the potential, but so much of it was just wrong. Jessie J says the dance made her feel uncomfortable. Cut to Allison, who looks upset. Julianne says she was holding her breath and not in a good way. She could also see the potential. What? No Bruno?
Erin asks how the dance felt to him, and Jonathan says he had fun. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Jessie J 6, Julianne 6, Bruno 6. No elimination this week. Jonathan says he must be good at getting 6's.
Hey..Cheryl thinks it's important to have fun (cue the 'have fun' montage).
We're back with Tony and Sharna doing a paso double. Uh oh. Tom is going to show us Tony's audition tape. Oh. My. God! Bwaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa. YouTube that IMMEDIATELY if you haven't seen it.
Alfonso and Cheryl. Last week he got a perfect score! He walks into the studio with a gallon of water. Cheryl says she's done a professional routine for them. Alfonso looks scared. They are doing flamenco. Cheryl has a potty mouth. And a lot of energy. A couple weeks ago, Len mentioned he wanted to see Alfonso do more ballroom. I hope Len is watching tonight. This is a totally different Alfonso, but no less amazing.
Judges: Jessie J says she was really drawn in and thought there was a real connection. She thought it was amazing. Julianne says this was the first partnership that she believed tonight. Bruno says "Alfonso and Cheryl starring in Lust in the Dust. But he needs to lift and separate more. And we skip Carrie Ann.
Up to Erin and Witney gives him a huge hug. He says Cheryl is full of energy and doesn't have a filter. He also wants to wish his wife a happy two year anniversary.
Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Jessie J 9, Julianne 9, and Bruno 8. Total of 34. WHAT!!!!! Whatever judges.
Commercials and for once I'm glad.
And we're back. Another plug for the ABC.com stuff.
Next up, Janel and Artem. They are doing burlesque. Artem blindfolds her and makes her feel him up to guess who she is partnered with. Um, okay. There's a bit about jealousy and Artem being half naked. The routine was intense.
Julianne says that was extremely sexy but it wasn't burlesque because burlesque is cheeky and their dance was raunchy and sexy. Bruno says 'never too sexy for me, honey!' Julianne and Bruno argue about it and Janel just looks confused. Carrie Ann says that she had the burlesque feel in the beginning but lost the humor of it when she and Artem started dancing together and added innuendo that I couldn't catch completely. Jessie J says that song was written for her Mum and had never thought about a routine like that being done to that song.
Up to Erin - she thought the dance was hot and asks what Janel's thoughts were while getting the judges' feedback. Janel says she'd never done burlesque before and welcomes their feedback. Hey Janel, I'm sure Julianne will be happy to lend you a copy of 'Burlesque' since she was in it. Erin questions Janel on what she was thinking about when she did the move to sit on Artem's lap. Janel: 'Umm....puppies!" Heh.
Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Jessie J 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 9. A total of 33. Scores seem low tonight!
Michael and Witney dance when we come back after....
Jessie J performs again. Peta and Val dance.
Michael and Witney meet and Micheal interviews. "Witney's like okay, wait a minute. I had Alfonso. We just got 10's. You're gonna give me him? That had to be a little bit of a shock for that little girl." Then in rehearsal he tells her he's really flexible and demonstrates by putting each foot up to his forehead and telling Witney he'll do that if she can work it into disco. Witney: "I mean, probably not..." She wants to get him better scores and it looks like they are working so hard.
Dance time! It's a cute routine, but Micheal just doesn't move across the floor well. It's almost...jerky or stompy or something.
Judges: Bruno laughs and says he knows what happened - that they put all the polish on the car bonnet and had nothing left for the routine. None of the movement was on time. Carrie Ann agrees with Michael that he got a couple steps on time and likes that he can make them laugh. She says it's week 5 and she doesn't want to laugh any more. Jessie J says it was consistent and that he accomplished it. Tom deadpans - basically you're saying that he did it. Julianne says that at week 5 it's getting a little uncomfortable and he needs to be moving forward.
Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Jessie J 5, Julianne 5, Bruno 5. A 25. Yikes! Witney says she's a little surprised at those scores and that he worked hard and they had a great week.
Tommy and Emma are working together. Tommy is apprehensive about being able to follow someone else's instructions. Emma interviews that with Tommy gets it, but has trouble remembering. She goes to ask Peta for advice and Peta says to just drill him. Tommy says he's going to step up his game. He and Emma are dancing mambo. You can see her talking him through the routine. It's a great routine but doesn't seem like a mambo. Up in the sky box, people have donned reggae hats and dreadlocks. Awesome!
The judges are conferring so Tom asks Emma about Michael's scores. Emma says she was disappointed. She's pulling for Peta and Michael just as much as she's pulling for Tommy this week and those scores hurt.
Carrie Ann says that the song choice was hard to do the mambo to, and it seemed to lack a certain energy. Jessie J says he was really relaxed and flexible. The moves weren't amazing, but it was good. Julianne says that this was the first time she's seen him look tired. She points out that this is week five and they've seen all his moves already. Bruno says he hit a few bumps on the road but got to the end.
Up to Erin where she mentions that they don't pick their music and says, "Harsh criticism, how'd you take it?" Tommy: Well, I look tired because I'm old. HA!
Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Jessie J 6, Julianne 5, Bruno 6. Total of 23. Peta says the judges are so mean today. They totally are!
Next up, Derek and Sadie. They are going to do the Charleston. Sadie says she was nervous about the switch up because she and Mark are such good friends. She's glad that she got paired with Derek because he's most like Mark. Duck Dad comes in to make sure nothing funny is going on and probably gave Derek the stink eye, but we just didn't see it.
They show Derek and Sadie looking at the social media hoopla from Mark and Bethany and try to start the whole jealousy thing again. Le sigh. Oh great, duck arms. Please stop.
Sadie is 90% legs. I'm totes jealous. This is an odd song to Charleston to, though. They better get better scores than 8's, because it was brilliant.
Jessie J says it was really clean and the lines were great. She said if she hadn't known, it would have taken her some time to figure out who was the pro. Julianne says Sadie shows a different side of who she is. She said it was super clean. Bruno says his usual Bruno-isms but that it was spot on and beautiful. Carrie Ann says she has to be careful because she rushes the music just a bit but it was brilliant.
Actors from Agents of Shield are in the audience. Good to know.
Erin says there is a huge difference in Sadie in rehearsal and Sadie live. Well, we don't see rehearsal Sadie, so let it go. Erin wants to know the difference between Mark and Derek. Sadie says they teach differently. Mark drags her through the whole dance and Derek makes it up as he goes. Derek raises his eyebrows at that.
Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Jessie J 9, Julianne 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 36. Derek calls the judges out on being harsh.
Last up are Lea and Val. Also, Pitbull will be on the show next week so we're treated to his normal intro which involves the words/phrases Pitbull, Mr. Worldwide, 305. Thanks, Pit.
Lea and Val are doing a Broadway routine. It looks like Lea trips/almost falls through the studio door and flings herself at Val and tells him, "I'm no Janel." Val: Okay, okay, relax. Heh! More jealousy nonsense. Their routine is adorable. Lea has great legs and timing.
Julianne says this is the first time she saw Lea hesitate. The concept was great and she enjoyed it. Bruno says only Lea could put the cast of Cocoon on acid. Carrie Ann asks Val to explain the concept. He mutters something about swag. Carrie Ann says she actually loved it. Jessie J says Lea's acting and dancing was her favorite of the night.
Up to Erin. Blah, blah, blah. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Jessie J 8, Julianne 8, Bruno 9 for 34. Val gives a shout out to the troop and names them.
See you next week for regular couples, elimination and Pitbull.